Cold Blooded Christmas

It was late at night on Christmas eve
I was dreaming of the soft white snow
I was awoken by a noise near the Christmas tree
What it was i did not know

It was Santa clause he was bringing me some gifts
Unfortunately i did not know that
So i quietly snuck up behind him
And i shot him five times in the back

It went pow pow pow pow pow
He said "what the xxxx ow ow ow"
Then i shot him three more times in the head
Pieces of his brain flew out and he was dead

That's when i noticed his blood-soaked beard
And his red suit filled with bullet holes
I said "oh my god i killed Santa clause
I'm not going to jail for this asshole"

So i went to my shed and i got my saw
And i started to choppipty chop chop
I started with his arms then his legs then his head
And then the torso was a really long job

And the blood went spurt spurt spurt
It was really hard work work work
It was hard cutting through his spine
I must have vomited sixteen times

I burnt all the pieces in my fireplace
The smell of burning human flesh filled my nose
Eleven hours later there was nothing left
And that's when i heard my telephone

It was auntie jean looking for uncle bob
She said "he left the house dressed as Santa clause
Have you seen him god i hope he's alright"